Literature related videos and movie previews, Movies based off of books

The Battle of the Five Armies Movie Review

The Battle of the Five Armies Movie ReviewThe Battle of the Five Armies Movie Review

Well, it’s over. This is the last installment of The Hobbit. This is the last look we’ll have into Middle-earth until some misguided soul decides to remake LOTR, let’s hope it never happens. There are more Tolkien stories that could possibly be turned into movies such as The Silmarillion, but the Tolkien family hasn’t really budged on that one. So take a long hard look at this last Hobbit movie. It’s the last new stuff you’re going to see from Middle-Earth  for a very long time, if ever.

I went to the theater to see this movie with a friend. We watched endless previews, including another one for Into the Woods, I’m intrigued now, so I’m going to have to see it. The lights went dim and the movie started.


The beginning of the movie starts off with Lake Town under siege by Smaug. He’s flying around setting everything on fire. Bard is locked away in jail. He knows he has to do something. He finally makes his way out of jail as the corrupt mayor is trying to escape with the town’s riches. Tauriel is leading the rest of the dwarves who stayed behind and Bard’s children to safety, but it’s not easy. Bard’s son risks his life to get the fabled arrow and just like that Smaug is defeated. He dies rather unceremoniously and falls into the lake. The people are now without a home. They head to the deserted town of Dale by the mountain.

Thorin is all kinds of screwed up over the Arkenstone, but Bilbo has it. Thorin walls himself away in the mountain as war is coming. Orcs are coming. Elves are coming. The men of Dale are coming. Others are coming as well. There will be a terrible fight for the lonely mountain. Thorin will not listen to reason. He chooses war over peace. An army of dwarves show up ready to fight the elves and the men. Bilbo sneaks out and gives the Arkenstone to the other side to reason with Thorin, but it doesn’t work. Nobody has a chance to fight anybody because the orcs show up.

Bard arms the weakened men at Lake Town. The elves put aside their differences and fight alongside the dwarves making a pretty epic charge over a wall of dwarves. The fight rages on, but more and more orcs come. Gandalf, who became free of his imprisonment with the help of Radagast and Galadriel, knows there need to be more fighters.

Some of the orcs came out from under the mountains via tunnels dug by giant sand worms, or something, all I could think of were the sandworms from Beetlejuice. Finally, more soldiers show up. Thorin does realize that he has been wrong, but things and people are lost in the process.


Smaug’s death seemed really lackluster to me, but whatever. He just kind of died and then *poof* he was gone.

The scene where Galadriel puts the smack down on Sauron is kind of weird.

You know what, I like Martin Freeman; I think he’s great, but Bilbo was just too much Martin Freeman and not enough Bilbo, if that makes any sense. I love watching Martin in Sherlock and in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. I really do enjoy watching Martin, but there are just certain things that you know are Martin because you’ve watched him in so many things and you kind of wish that those things weren’t there as much and maybe more of the character was there. This didn’t hamper my enjoyment of the movie; it’s just an observation.

Look, those sandworms, did they borrow those from Beetlejuice? Seriously.


There isn’t really any point of doing this section of the review because it’s three movies for one book and so much has been added to it, like the sandworms for example. Correct me if the sandworms were really in the book. Legolas misses his mommy. Oh poor Legolas, go cry about your mommy, who wasn’t mentioned in the darn book at all. You should stick with taking the hobbits to Isengard.

What I liked

The movie was good. I liked it, not as much as The Return of the King, but it’s still good. Bard was a nice piece of eye candy. Thorin wasn’t so bad either.

I really liked how the elves jumped over the dwarves; that was cool. I liked the various animals that the dwarves were riding, pigs, and sheep who climbed up the rocky cliffs–they crave that mineral.

This movie does make a pretty good statement about the danger of riches. Greed can be a powerful thing that can change who you are. Thorin is stubborn. He lets greed get in his way. He lets greed cloud his judgment. He lets greed make him take back his word. He lets greed take over everything. Look having a million dollars would be great; I would enjoy it  very much, but if I were to let that million dollars change who I was, it wouldn’t be a good thing. We have to be careful about money and about power.

I liked the illustration thing at the end of the movie. I thought it was really neat.

What I didn’t like

Look, where in the heck did those sandworms come from? Why doesn’t Legolas man-up/elf-up and do things. Ok, Legolas did have some pretty awesome fight scenes in this movie; I’ll give him that. Look, Legolas, Kate from Lost doesn’t like you. She doesn’t like Merry either. Kate likes Kili, but Kili…well, you know. Get over it. There are other elf women.

You know what, here’s what I would do: Legolas gets together with Arwen and Aragorn and Eowyn get together. I’m sorry Eowyn is just ten times cooler than Arwen.

This movie didn’t have a summation of things at the end as much as The Return of the King did. We see Bilbo going home and kicking people out of his house, but we don’t see what happened to Bard or what happened to the dwarves. We get the idea that Legolas is sent off in search of Strider, but his dad tells him that he’s got to find out Strider’s true name for himself. It’s Aragorn! Hey, at least if he couldn’t be in the movie he could at least be mentioned.

Parental Advice

Your kids can watch this movie. There is violence, yes, but it’s not overly gratuitous. There isn’t a lot of blood. There isn’t cussing. There isn’t nudity. It’s a war movie, but it’s pretty clean. The most sexual thing about this movie is the unibrow guy dressing up as a woman and grabbing his fake boobs.


Good movie. It’s sad that our trips into Middle-Earth are over, but hopefully we’ll find other good things to love.

Can you imagine if Peter Jackson directed The Very Hungry Caterpillar? It would be like four movies. It would probably turn into some story about how this crazy man-eating caterpillar is eating everyone in the entire Earth because he’s so hungry.

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Literature related videos and movie previews, Movies based off of books


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