Comical true life, Halpern-Justin, Memoir, Non-Fiction

#509 I Suck at Girls by Justin Halpern

I Suck at Girls by Justin HalpernI Suck at Girls by Justin Halpern

Oh, Justin….Justin, Justin, Justin….Hahahahaha!

Yes, Justin, I’m sorry, you do suck at girls.

Justin wrote about crap his dad says, then he wrote this book. It’s about Justin’s life and how he finally managed to snag a woman, but this is only after he not once, but twice, caused a woman to move to a different city to be away from him, but maybe that was just a coincidence?

Justin’s father is rather blunt on most issues. Justin recalls the first time he had a crush on a girl at school. He didn’t know how to treat her, so he picked on her. It ended up in him drawing a rather unsavory drawing of a dog pooping on a girl who looked suspiciously like the girl he liked. Of course, the teachers got upset about this, and the principal got involved, and then…Justin’s parents were called. His father, instead of getting onto him for drawing such a drawing of the girl, gets onto him for ignoring the laws of physics in his drawing. Dogs just can’t be floating in midair.

Justin’s father continued to give him this kind of advice throughout his life. He even forced him to learn how to drive stick, on the freeway, in California. I probably would have died.

Justin then catalogs his failures with women, for years. He got a date to prom, but it didn’t turn out so great. He tried to steal porn from some homeless men with one of his friends, but that didn’t turn out so great either. When he was twenty he and his friend Ryan went to Ibiza where they partied constantly, still didn’t get any girls, and Justin got severely constipated.

Eventually, he did clean his act up and started working seriously on his screenwriting and finally met the girl he is married to today. She dressed up as Fergie after she peed herself on stage for a costume party. Despite Justin’s father’s lackluster congratulations of Justin telling him that he was going to propose, after the proposal, he congratulates his son. Now, Justin seems happy and probably doesn’t suck at girls quite so much.

What I liked

Justin is no David Sedaris, but he’s pretty funny, but if I ever get the chance to hang out with David Sedaris, I want Justin to show up and also to bring Celia Rivenbark along. We can have a picture there of Erma Bombeck in memory. Well, I think we have to invite Justin’s dad too.

I feel for Justin to an extent and know what he went through, sort of. I was never that great at guys. I mean I was awesome at talking to guys before I was married, I just wasn’t awesome at dating guys. I did things later than most people do things in life. I do get how Justin felt to be that guy who was waiting and watching everyone else do the things he wanted to do. You’re not alone Justin, but I’m pretty sure I was still cooler than you.

Justin’s dad is what makes a lot of Justin’s stories hilarious. He’s this crotchety old man who goes around complaining about anything and everything with lots of cuss words. It probably wasn’t an easy house to grow up in, but it’s funny to hear about Justin tell about it now.

What I didn’t like

I thought Justin’s book was pretty great for the most part.

Here’s my deal though, Justin speaks of his desire for casual sex, before he was married of course. I don’t get this. I really don’t. I know it’s more of a male thing than a female thing, but I know there are women who also want casual sex. I’m sorry, it’s gross. You don’t really know this person, but then you have sex with this person. Do they have herpes? What if somebody gets pregnant?

In my opinion, you should only have sex with people who you know aren’t going to run the other way if somebody winds up pregnant, this means you kind of have to know the person. That Plan B pill doesn’t always work; I know someone who knows this personally; in fact, this someone is related to me and I now have a new relative on the way.

Justin’s dad says something I like. He says that Justin would know when he found himself a woman he could live with if he could stick his finger in her nose and not be grossed out. This means you have to know a person, well, in order to consider them long-term relationship material. I always like to use the analogy of somebody sticking their finger in your ear. If you don’t mind a person sticking their finger in your ear, then maybe you could have sex with them. If you really do mind a person sticking their finger in your ear, then you really shouldn’t be having sex with them.


Keep writing about the things your dad says Justin; it has served you well.

Weigh in

Do you think many of Justin’s problems would have resolved himself if he simply had more confidence in himself? Why or why not?

What would happen at a party with Justin, David Sedaris, Celia Rivenbark, and Justin’s dad?


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