I have been going through an extremely difficult period in my life here recently. Because of this my focus on some things hasn’t been as good as it would usually be. One thing is for certain–I have been doing a lot of writing. Going through a tough situation has led me to write a lot. I’ve had to sit down and write my thoughts out. I’ve had to sit down to write in order to process what is happening to me.
Part of me has this feeling that I’m making it all up. Did it really happen? Did it really play out like that? I write it down. I know for sure once it is written. It really did happen that way. My brain isn’t lying to me. I have been going through some awful things.
Going through awful things is emotional and emotion is what makes art. It’s a painful process. It hurts. I mean, it really, really hurts. There have been more days than not, that I’ve been close to tears. It’s incredibly stressful.
I’m trying to stay positive. Writing all these things out is helping me try to keep a light spin on the situation. I want to be able to look back at my writings from this time and laugh. I want to be able to do that. I want to remember this turmoil and and just shrug my shoulders. Stuff happens. We all go through crap.
I’m endeavoring to keep a metaphor in mind. There are two that pop into my head. The first is the process of how carbon becomes a diamond. Great heat and stress is placed upon it and somehow this ugly mass of black gunk, turns into a beautiful stone that is mostly clear. It’s been clarified from black junk. It’s transparent. It has nothing to hide. It’s incredibly hard. People don’t say diamonds are forever for their health. I would like to think that this process is going to clarify me. It’s going to help me realize my potential. It’s going to make me be able to face life better. We’ll see, but I’m hoping.
The second metaphor I’m thinking of is the refiner’s fire. Metals are often bonded with other metals and impurities when they’re mined. All of that stuff is heated. Once it’s melted the different substances can separate. The slag can be thrown away and what is left is the pure metal. Likewise as with the diamond, the metal has been purified. It’s become something better and greater than it was.
I want to keep that in mind. I hope my writings from this time help me to remember that I’m going through a refining. It hurts. It’s going to be ugly, but in the end, I’ll come out better than I was before.
Writing is helping me with that process. It’s helping me realize what was real and what was not. Keep a record. Write things down. If you’re going through a tough time, write it down.