Fortunately, the Milk by Neil Gaiman
Mom is gone and dad is left to care for the children and the house. He remembers about violin practice. He remembers about orchestra practice. He remembers about the frozen meals in the freezer, not before burning one and going out for curry though. He remembers everything, except the milk. There’s nothing to put on the cereal and there’s nothing to put in the tea, so Dad goes out to the nearby shop for milk.
Dad is gone a long time. The two children ponder that Dad might have met somebody he knew and started talking. Dad finally comes back and he has the milk. The children figured Dad had talked to someone, which Dad had, but Dad also had a story for why he was so late getting back with the milk.
You see, Dad got abducted by aliens. Dad did not want to be abducted by aliens and pushed the button that opened the time-space continuum. He then found himself on a pirate ship, where the pirates were more than happy to make him walk the plank, but Dad knew that if you walked the plank, you always got rescued at the last-minute. Dad was rescued by a scientist stegosaurus in a hot air balloon, that also happened to be a time machine. He tells Dad that all the dinosaurs left Earth for the far reaches of the universe.
The two soon end up in a bit of trouble with a native island tribe. The tribe was told to let the people take a big green stone thing from the volcano god, but when they do, bad things happen, but this means that Dr. Steg can fix his time machine, which he does, but he also ends up near some vampires, who are more than happy to munch on Dad. Ultimately, everyone ends up back on the alien ship. Which is ultimately where they find out whether touching the same object from the past to the same object in the future destroys the universe or causes dwarfs with flowerpots on their heads to appear and dance.
What I liked
This is funny, Neil. Dad’s full of crap, obviously, but Dad sure has an imagination. I love all the absurdity of this book. Why wouldn’t there be a time-traveling stegosaurus in a hot air balloon? Why not? It’s great.
What I didn’t like
Besides Dad being full of crap in the way that all dads are full of crap, this book is pretty great. Your kids know when you’re full of crap by the way, they just humor you.
Why did it take you so long to get the milk?
Could you have made up a story anywhere near this if it took you a long time to get the milk?
Do you think the children would have been less irritated because of this story.