#950 Why Does he do That by Lundy Bancroft

Why Does he do That by Lundy BancroftWhy Does he do That by Lundy Bancroft

Simply put, if you suspect, even a little, that you might be a relationship, or that you’ve been in a relationship, with an emotionally abusive person, you should read this book.

In my own research, trying to figure out why certain things in life have happened to me when I did nothing to deserve those things, I came across recommendations for this book. I was pleased with the subject content.

Lundy runs a program that attempts to reform men who have been abusive, both physically and mentally. This program was really one of the first programs of its kind.

This book describes behavior of the abusive person, why they do it, and what you can do. Unfortunately, the what you can do part is most often getting away rather than reforming because reforming is incredibly rare.

If you’re looking for a text-book explanation of what mental abuse is or can be, this book has you covered.

What I liked

Although this book is full of a terrible subject matter, it is highly useful. I read this book and feelings I had about relationships in the past were confirmed. I was right to trust my gut and err on the side of caution in many cases. I dealt with a “Mr. Right,” as in, someone who is always right, no matter what, you’re always to blame, you’re not as smart as they are, and they seem to have an opinion about everything. I didn’t really have a description for this before I read this book, but it fits.

This book confirmed that my actions were correct, or mostly correct, in dealing with this person. I would have liked to have known more of this when I was in the situation. I would have made different decisions, that got me out of the situation faster.

What I didn’t like

Despite having all of this explained, no one has a right to do any of this behavior, whether they be man or woman, but it still happens. These people don’t think they’re doing anything wrong because of their sense of entitlement, so they’re not just going to wake up one day and realize what they’re doing is awful. They don’t think they’re bad people, and in truth, they may not be all bad, but they’re abusive and it’s pretty much impossible to deal with them.

Everyone else just has to deal with it or escape it. There isn’t really the option of reforming this person, because it’s like many other things–they have to make the choice on their own to change and if they don’t realize they’re doing anything wrong, they can’t admit they’re doing anything wrong, and therefore cannot start the process of change.

In my experience, you have to get away from the person–cut them out of your life. No phone calls. No emails. No addresses exchange. The less they know about you, the better. The less you know about them, the better. This person, or persons, whatever the case may be, doesn’t have a right to your life. End of story.

Overall

You should read this; no matter where you’re coming from this book will help you recognize abuse whether it’s your own life, or a friend’s. This book will point you in a direction that’s productive.

Weigh In

If you’ve had a toxic person in your life, what did you ultimately end up doing in regards to that person?

If you have been in an abusive relationship, spouse-spouse, parent-child, whatever, do you find that it negatively affected your life views from that point forward?

#950 Why Does he do That by Lundy Bancroft was originally published on One-elevenbooks

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#937 Adulting by Kelly Williams Brown

Adulting by Kelly Williams BrownAdulting by Kelly Williams Brown

Being an adult is not easy sometimes, but never fear, Kelly has written a book that you can follow to become an adult in 468 easy(ish) steps. Kelly really tries to cover all the grounds for being an adult. These include renting an apartment, paying your bills, saving for retirement, taking the higher road in some situations, and generally keeping yourself alive and off of the street.

What I liked

I thought this book was fun, but it certainly wasn’t something I needed. I practically raised my three younger brothers, I worked full-time and went to school full-time when I was getting my first degree. I’ve been married, divorced, bought a house, sold a house, and bought several cars. I’ve paid plenty of bills. I save for retirement and do responsible adult things and I’ve been doing those responsible adult things for quite a while.

Now, that isn’t to say that this book doesn’t have a place, because it totally does. I know of plenty of people who wouldn’t be able to do half of the things in this book without some guidance. There are people who need this. There are twenty-somethings who don’t know how to write checks or have any idea how much it actually costs to live on your own. Newsflash– you have to be making around $40K a year to live comfortably on your own, and that’s not a great comfortable. If some of those twenty-somethings read this book, they might learn a few things and it would be to their benefit.

What I didn’t like

Kelly has a lot of great advice, but there’s some of it that is so-so on the advice scale. Kelly states that buying a used car from a car lot is not a good idea. Yeah, maybe buying a used car from a backwoods car lot, out at a four-way intersection, run out of a single-wide trailer isn’t the greatest idea, but buying a used car from a car lot that also sells new cars, or has certified pre-owned programs isn’t a bad idea. Sometimes, people trade in their cars at the car lot and there’s nothing wrong with them.

Some of Kelly’s social advice seems very superficial. Look, I get that people generally don’t go around talking about their digestive issues, or whatever, upon first meeting, but, you know what, sometimes friendships happen that way. Sometimes you find a person who is in your tribe by talking about something weird and if you hadn’t talked about that weird thing you might have never seen them again.

I also think Kelly has a lot to learn in some aspects, which is fine. We all mature and reach certain mile stones at different points in our lives.

Overall

Being an adult means eating zucchini is a choice you made happily.

Weigh In

When did you realize that you were an adult?

Was there some advice someone gave you about being an adult that really helped you out?

#937 Adulting by Kelly Williams Brown was originally published on One-elevenbooks

#928 A Life that Matters by Mary and Robert Schindler

A Life that Matters by Mary and Robert SchindlerA Life that Matters by Mary and Robert Schindler

For fifteen years Terri Schiavo lived between hospitals, nursing homes, and being taken care of her family. Her husband, Michael, had complete legal right to make all medical decisions for Terri, but those decisions weren’t always the best.

The whole thing started when Michael called his in-laws one night saying that Terri had collapsed. No one knew what happened or why. The family soon learned that Terri was never going to be the same again. The doctors didn’t think she would ever recover, but there was some hope. Terri could do small things and was getting rehabilitation at some point, but there was no money. Michael went to court to try to get money for Terri’s rehabilitation saying that all the money would go towards Terri’s care, but that didn’t happen. The money seemed to disappear. Michael got a girlfriend.

Terri was moved from facility to facility. Sometimes her parents and family would be barred from seeing her. There were multiple times that her feeding tube was taken out. Ultimately, there were several trials where the family argued against Michael about whether or not Terri should continue receiving food and water. Meanwhile, Terry could respond to some things. The family sought the help of the Florida governor, Jeb Bush, and got the support of many celebrities, but ultimately, Terri’s feeding tube was removed and she did die. The family has worked since then to help people in similar situations.

What I liked

The name Terri Schiavo is a name I’ve heard before, but I didn’t know the full extent of what happened, so I found this whole book very interesting and enriching, even if it is quite sad.

There is definitely a huge ethical argument in Terri’s story that people do need to think about.

What I didn’t like

There are two sides to this story and this is only one side. As is, I lean towards Terri’s parents’ side. If there was any response from Terri, that she could respond and interact, then she shouldn’t have been taken off of her feeding tube, especially, if her parents wanted her alive.

I used to work in a nursing home. I took care of several people on feeding tubes. None of them were entirely unresponsive. I even took care of several people who never spoke, but were definitely still in there somewhere. They had to be fed and cared for in all ways, but they still had responses to things–facial expressions and so forth. Would I have ever said that any of them deserved to be starved to death just because they didn’t respond like everyone else? No. They were people, someone’s mother, grandmother, whatever.

On the other hand, if I had had a patient that didn’t move, ever, and did nothing, and just existed on a feeding tube and catheter, I would feel very sorry for that person. There’s obviously nothing there.

On the one hand, I would never want to be in a state anywhere near Terri’s state. I wouldn’t want to live. I kind of think that if you have some incurable condition and you don’t want to live, it’s your choice. That’s why people have DNRs. For example, let’s say you have a living will stating that if your brain is without oxygen for five minutes, or whatever, that you don’t want to be resuscitated because of all the brain damage you would have, that’s a legitimate thing. Some brain damage is ok, but who wants to live in a state where their brain has been so severely damaged that they’re not remotely who they were before? Or they can’t walk? Or talk? Or eat? Or whatever?

On the other hand, if what Terri’s parents’ say about her being responsive to some things is true, then her parents should have been able to have kept Terri around. Terri should have lived. If Michael didn’t want to be the guardian over Terri, then her parents should have been able to do it.

Part of this whole thing really sounds like Michael just wanted to be rid of his wife. He didn’t want the responsibility for her–that’s really what it sounds like. Fine, let her parents do it. Don’t be a jerk about it. He even had Terri buried without her parents even knowing, which is a terrible jerk move.

On the other, other hand–if Terri had really expressed a desire to die if something like this ever happened to her, then that should have been written down somewhere. If you feel so strongly about something like this–write it down. Get it notarized, or whatever. That way, if it does happen, your choice is already made and people know it.

This whole thing is very sad.

Overall

This whole thing would have been solved with a living will.

Weigh In

What would you do if you were in Terri’s place?

Who do you think was in the right? If anybody? Maybe they were all wrong.

#928 A Life that Matters by Mary and Robert Schindler was originally published on One-elevenbooks

#919 Dirty Work by Gabriel Weston

Dirty Work by Gabriel WestonDirty Work by Gabriel Weston

Nancy is an ObGyn doctor, but hasn’t been one for very long. Something awful has happened. There was a surgery, thought to be routine, which turned out disastrous. There was blood and more blood. She didn’t know what to do. Another doctor had to come in and make sure the woman didn’t die. Now Nancy must face a tribunal to determine whether or not she can still be employed at the hospital.

Nancy recalls other things in her life. She was in school. She had a mother. She used to provide abortions to women who justified their reasons, just as she justified her reasons for doing abortions. She reasoned that she wasn’t asked, she just did it when she was told to do it. She did early abortions and some a little later, but she never did late-term abortions. She didn’t know if she could do it.

She hopes that she will still be able to be a doctor.

What I liked

I do like that this book tackles what happens when a doctor makes a mistake. Doctors have bad days too and those bad days can end lives, but it’s not like the doctor meant to do it. Should an entire career be ruined because of a mistake? It’s a question of ethics of course.

What I didn’t like

I kind of feel like this book is just trying to champion abortion, or at least in part it is. Look, I’ve said it before–I think abortions should be legal; I don’t want women dying in back alleys because they were trying to get an illegal abortion. I don’t want women who have been raped having to carry a baby to term. I also don’t want abortion to be used as a birth control method. There should probably be a middle-ground, maybe we’ll get there some day.

I did feel that there was some ethical dilemmas that the main character faced. I think she tried to tell herself that providing abortions couldn’t affect her, but I think it did to a degree.

I kind of feel like the main character was really cold. She seemed a little inhuman, but that may just be my take on it.

Overall

Doctors make mistakes just like normal people.

Weigh In

What would you do if your doctor made a mistake?

Should doctors be held accountable for mistakes?

#919 Dirty Work by Gabriel Weston was originally published on One-elevenbooks

#917 Maggie Rose and Sass by Eunice Boeve

Maggie Rose and Sass by Eunice BoeveMaggie Rose and Sass by Eunice Boeve

Unfortunately, Maggie’s father died then she went to live with her grandmother, who also died. The only family member left for her to live with was her uncle. He lived far away in a town called Solomon Town. The town was not as Maggie expected when she arrived. She is surprised to find that she is the only white girl there. The town was almost entirely composed of people who were once slaves.

Maggie has never been around this many black people before and she believes a lot of the things her grandmother used to say about anybody who wasn’t white. She doesn’t want to make friends with the local girls, including one named Sass, who got her name purely because she was sassy.

Sass says that Maggie is nothing but an uppity white girl.

Both girls end up realizing that just because someone looks different doesn’t mean they’re any less human.

What I liked

I do tend to like books where children can learn that other people are people too. It doesn’t matter what color, gender, or whatever, they are. Other people are equally as valid as people, despite any differences. I do think this book does a fairly good job of having both children realize good things about the other. The book does acknowledge that one people could be unfair to the other.

What I didn’t like

This book does use the word “colored” a lot. I quit talking to a guy once because he called Barack Obama “colored,” and I’m not even that big of a fan of Barack. Look, sure, he’s not all the way white, but that doesn’t mean calling someone “colored” is ok. We’re all various colors. This book doesn’t have the more derogatory term in the text, which is good. Both terms are derogatory and you probably shouldn’t use them, but I do get that this author was trying to be a little more tactful and historically accurate by using the term she used. People didn’t go around saying “African-American” back when this book was set. They did say things that were worse than the word she did use though. I just don’t like hearing the term she did use.

Overall

To quote Dr. Suess–“A person’s a person, no matter how small.” Just substitute in something else for “small,” and fix whatever grammar needed to make it make sense.

Weigh In

Do you think you could fit in a neighborhood where you were the only person of your race?

Was there a point when you came to appreciate all people as people or did you always do so?

#917 Maggie Rose and Sass by Eunice Boeve was originally published on One-elevenbooks